When 'Doing' Isn't Helping, Try 'Being'
By: Brooke Phelps, LCSW
It is natural and protective to try and solve our problems or get out of a rut as quickly as possible so that we can get back to feeling like our best selves. Sometimes, we spend more energy trying to “do” things to feel better and avoid feeling negative emotions that it can oftentimes make us feel worse. If there are times that your go-to mood boosting activities feel draining or unappealing, or despite your best efforts you cannot pinpoint what specifically is bothering you, it might be helpful to stop “doing” and start “being.”
When we are in a rut, we tend to over-analyze or jump into problem-solving mode right away. But when efforts to resist, change or fix how we’re feeling fall flat, we can feel deflated and feel even further from our goal of feeling better. Learning to be open and accepting of our emotions as they come, without any goal or outcome in mind, can allow us to move through these moments with greater ease. In fact, we may even find it becomes more tolerable to sit with uncomfortable emotions as soon as we make the decision to stop “doing” and start “being.”
Here are some ways to recognize you might be in “doing” mind:
Viewing emotional states only in terms of “problems and solutions” or “good vs bad”: Focusing on ‘fixing’ the problem or making value judgments about your emotions can imply that certain emotions require certain solutions. But sometimes, the only way out is through, so don’t be afraid to lean into uncomfortable emotions.
Frequent evaluation of how close you are to “feeling better”: When you measure your feelings in terms of resolutions, it is common to focus more on how successful you have been in resolving the discrepancy between how you want to feel and how you actually feel. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, discomfort, or negative self-talk. Remind yourself - you’re only human, and this too shall pass.
Noticing “shoulds”: When you start to think in “should” statements (for example, thoughts like: “I should go for a run to feel better” or “I shouldn’t be so upset about this” or “I should want to chat with my friend right now”) and find yourself struggling to follow through with the idea, it is important to examine the source of this should statement. Ask yourself, “is this statement coming from an external obligation I have to fulfill?” or “Is this statement coming from a blanket expectation I’ve set for myself?” If you realize it’s the latter, try removing ‘should’ and consider what you actually want or need in that moment.
Here are some simple ways to shift into your “being” mind:
Practice simple breathing exercises or grounding techniques to connect with the present. Example: Box breathing exercise – begin by closing your eyes, inhaling slowly through your nose while counting to 4, holding your breath in for 4, and slowly exhaling for 4, and repeat, while imagining you are following the lines of a square. Grounding exercise - peel an orange using all your senses: notice the textures, the vibrant colors, and the refreshing citrus aromas.
Shift your attention to specific things around you right now: There are many ways to help focus your attention to the present environment. For example, try to notice the way light casts through your window, the scent of your freshly washed laundry, the words of the song you’re listening to, or the sturdiness of the floors beneath you. This can be a good way to incorporate your five senses to remember how to shift your attention to your environment and allow yourself to “be” present.
Practice gratitude for what you are feeling: Tolerating uncomfortable emotions builds resilience, acceptance, openness, and inner-wisdom. Using this perspective can help you have more appreciation for challenging moments and the lessons they will teach you about yourself.
Practice observing and describing your thoughts as they enter/leave your mind: Rather than internalizing (feeling) thoughts, judging (evaluating) thoughts, or jumping into action to fix the thoughts, try to just notice and observe them. For example, try noticing your feelings as they arise by saying something like: “hmm… a wave of [frustration, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, etc.] has come over me” and visualize it leaving your mind, just as it entered. By being an observer of your inner world you realize that not every thought or feeling that you experience has to be yours to keep! You are allowed to let the feeling go as easily as it came.
If you are feeling stuck, or would like support in finding comfort in sitting in your feelings and just “being”, please reach out today to hello@upsidertherapy.com or give us a call at (646) 494-4878 to schedule a consultation today.