The Art of Saying No
By: Elizabeth Koblenz, LCSW
I am sure we can all relate to this story: A friend reaches out for plans and all you want to do is say no but somehow you find yourself saying yes. After saying yes, you immediately regret your decision and are ultimately dreading the plans. Oftentimes, we have an inherent tendency to please others and because of that, it may feel easier to just say yes instead of saying no when asked to do something. It is common to say yes out of fear that we will disappoint someone or because we don’t want to be perceived as “mean” for saying no. However, it is okay to say no in these moments and set a boundary, while being okay and satisfied with that decision. Setting boundaries are, in fact, good for us and important for healthy relationships. These boundaries foster mutual respect. Here are four ways of understanding and practicing the art of saying “no”.
Be Honest
If your friend reaches out to you for a plan but it isn’t something that will make you happy or you are simply just too tired from your busy week, be honest with your friend. Tell them you would love to see them but tonight is not a good night. Being honest does not necessarily mean that you have to be blunt and direct, but that you can do it respectfully and kindly. A solution is to postpone or reschedule for a time that might work better for both of you. Additionally, this will enable you to be more present whenever the plan ends up happening instead of feeling like you rather be somewhere else!
Be Upfront
Say no from the start! If a friend proposes an idea and you don’t seem interested in the plan or would rather stay home, just say no from the start. Saying “maybe” or making the plan when you know you may cancel will only make the situation more stressful for you. Let your friend know that you would rather do something else or that you would be available on another day. Be respectful of your friend’s time and don’t leave them hanging. They can always make a plan with another friend or family member if you say no from the start.
Check-In With Yourself
Check in with yourself. If you find yourself always saying yes but feeling miserable during your plans, take a step back and think about why. Are you just saying yes to please your friend? Is this something that will make you happy? If it isn’t something you want to do, can you say no from the start or offer an alternative plan that you would be happy doing? It may be hard at first to acknowledge how and what you truly feel but the more self-check-ins you do, the more likely you will know what you do or do not want to do.
Understanding “No” Can Be Disappointing
Understand that your “no” may disappoint your friend. If you say no to a plan that your friend was looking forward to or really wanted to do, they may be disappointed. The best solution here is to empathize with how your friend is feeling. Be open and listen to why they might feel let down. This can foster a healthier and more profound relationship as you are able to empathize while staying true to how you feel.
Ultimately, we may feel guilty when we say no to our loved ones but staying true and honest with yourself is also important. It is vital for our mental health to take breaks and set boundaries when we need to instead of over-extending ourselves when we do not have the mental capacity. If you feel this resonates with you and want to talk to someone about this, please reach out to us at hello@upsidertherapy.com.