By: Lexi Nass, LMSW

Building friendships allow us to create meaningful relationships that are comprised of mutual respect and likability. Friends are those that add value to our lives; in both good and bad times. Navigating friendships can feel overwhelming, as we learn overtime that some friendships will progress and other friendships will fade. The importance of building friendships is recognizing that friendships can serve different purposes and therefore, can have different meanings. 

At a younger age, it is common to seek out larger friend groups where friendships are comprised of larger-sized get-togethers, play dates, and sleepovers. It is possible that there isn’t much thought placed behind the meaning of each friend within the group, but rather leaning on the idea of enjoying time all together as a larger unit and having fun. Over time, it is not uncommon that large friend groups start to break up into smaller groups and relationships begin to change. As you get older, many start to realize that the importance of friendship is based on quality over quantity; you start to hone in on the relationships that have a mutual trust and understanding. Similarly, values change over time and therefore what you look for in a friend may change, too. 

Friendships may look different depending on the friend and the situation. For example, you can have a “fun friend” who is your “go-to” person to go out and have fun with. You can have a friend that is the “listener” of the group; this friend is the person you go to when you seek advice or know they will listen without judgement. The “funny friend” may be the friend you go to when you’re in need of a good laugh, and who makes your time together light and humorous. However, your “best friend” or “closest friend” is usually the person that you can depend on, that you can go to whenever you are down and someone you know you can count on. 

It is important to consider the purpose each of your friends serve in order to avoid placing expectations on those that may not be able to meet them. For example, you may be able to call a friend to go out and have fun with, but that friend may not be the person who will be there when times get tough. Knowing that and being aware of the role they hold for you allows you to shift your expectations of people to help avoid getting hurt. Expectations of friends may vary based on your level of friendship. For those that are considered your “best friends” you may hold a higher expectation of their role as your friend compared to someone who may be a newer friend, or a more distant friend. While it’s important to have expectations for a friend, sometimes our expectations of others can lead to us being disappointed. In some situations, it is better to take the person for who they are, rather than setting expectations that won’t always be met. This can also take time to learn, understand, and come to terms with; especially if we put a friend in a role that they do not serve.

Friends will show “true colors” through different experiences throughout life. It is during these times of adversity, challenges, and even positive experiences, where you can determine the importance of your values in a friend. Did your friend keep your secret? Did they stick by your side? Did they stand up for you? These are some important questions to ask yourself during these times. If you feel like your friendship is not reciprocal it’s important to consider how this person is adding value to you and your life. 

When it comes to friendships, if you feel lost navigating different relationships or you have a hard time making friends, here are four tips to consider:

1.    Make a list of values that you look for in a friend and then ask yourself how your friends may line up with those values. Where to start? First, ask yourself what values in a relationship are important to you. Examples of values can be trust, honesty, respect, or kindness. Some of those important values may also be religion, family, academics, or a social life. Once you make your list, ask yourself if your friends encompass these qualities or demonstrate the values that you are looking for in someone you want to surround yourself with.

2.    Introduce yourself to someone new- whether it’s at school, at work, at a bar, or a workout class. There are so many ways to meet new people. For example, if you notice someone who is always in your class, asking that person for help with an assignment or discuss an upcoming project; you can even ask that person to start a study group. If you’re out at a restaurant or a bar, asking someone you meet what they recommend to order is a great way to start up a casual and friendly conversation. Going to the gym or a workout class can also a great place to meet someone new as a lot of people are likely working out alone. Ask someone at the workout class if they have any other classes or teachers they like or would recommend!

3.    Find a hobby- there are so many activities, clubs, or groups to join. Finding people that share the same common interest as you is a great way to develop a friendship. Not sure where to start? If you are in school, find clubs that peak your interest and if you are a young adult, look into fun extracurricular activities to join like a co-ed kickball league or a pottery painting class. 

4.    Ask yourself how you can be a better friend- do you try to reach out to your friends? Do you take the initiative to plan with your friends? Are you frequently checking-in on your friends? Setting aside a time every day or picking one night during the week where you have some down time is a great way to schedule time to connect with your friends. Our personal lives can become crazy and very busy at times. Carving in time during your weekly schedule to prioritize speaking with your friends allows you to maintain a relationship without feeling overwhelmed. Whether you schedule a 30-minute facetime call with a friend, or put time on your calendar to call a friend, it’s important to prioritize reaching out to your friends to check-in so that you can stay in touch in a way that feels good to you.

If you are finding that your friendships are changing and it is hard to navigate, reach out today to hello@upsidertherapy.com for support.